I spent this afternoon reading the works of CheeseburgerBrown instead of studying for the exam tomorrow. It was brilliant to be free to read good storytelling. I haven’t read a book in ages. I’m reading maybe a book every two months, when I used to devour at least one a week in earlier years. It feels good too to be able to make art and play with the old raytracer. Is it any wonder that I’m not doing math? I never have time for this other stuff during the year.

I know I’ll do well enough on the test. It would really shock me if I failed, or even got below a 70 on the exam even if I don’t study. This has been my favourite class all year, taught by an awesome prof who I absolutely look up to. I know that he’ll be dissapointed if I don’t do well. When I got a 90 on the midterm, he said that I could have done better - and he’s right. So why don’t I study? It would be fun (honestly it would) and I would get a lot of satisfaction from understanding the material and acing the final.

I’m guessing that this is my way of balancing things out. I wouldn’t be as focused on one thing if I were to do this on my own. I’d have to mix in the art, the computer stuff, the reading and writing, the working on real life projects, with the math and engineering. I’d do more biking and cooking. In some ways, I’m tempted to do things on my own and try to find this balance. The last time I tried, I failed. I should try again.

On the other hand, I’m very much a grad student groupie. They’re, like, so cool! My relationship with TAs and other math grad students I know is very much one of hero worship. I want to be one of them.

So what do I want? I don’t know. I do know that I’m not satisfied with the prospects for summer. I’ll either have to settle for a repeat of the shit job that now pays almost decently, or a possibly non existent job two hours away from my families. At school, well I really do enjoy myself. It’s not perfect, but it’s damn good. I’m becoming more and more convinced that I’ll need a year off after I finish though. I just hope I can afford it.

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